Peer feedback for 20308 KimYeonSoo

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?
I would give this essay 3 points. The essat follows the format of classical argument to some point, and presents a unique perspective to a specialized topic, that resident registration numbers need not be collected on the internet, The essay also has some traces of research.


How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
More research is essential, as most of the essay is based on wild assumptions. The writer can also work to improve on the classical argument format, as some contents in the essay are overlapping or in places that do not belong. The essay has to be more straight to the point, and improve on its clarity.
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Thesis
What is the thesis?
To prevent more serious problem, resident registration number should not be collected on the internet.
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Is the thesis clear and debatable?
Yes and Yes
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If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
Collection of resident registration number on the internet is to be banned.
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Any other thoughts?
The writer will find it hard to defend her points, as the following topic is a very much controversial one.
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Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
I am not able to identify the 5 parts of the classical argument clearly. The introduction, narration and conclusion basically share the same idea and similar content. This makes it difficult to classify which is which.
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Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
The inroduction states the vast amount of information that is stored on the internet, therefore moving onto the risks that might follow with the abundance of information on the web. The writer connects the thesis with the problems, leading to a comfortable start. ..................................................................................................................................................

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
The narration contains some irrelevant points that seem unrelated to the thesis in an attempt to provide basic information about resident registration number. The information provided is also far from enough, indicating the writer's lack of research. ..................................................................................................................................................

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
Yes, it does.
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Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
Only one counterargument, that people need their resident registration number to recover their password, seems to be not enough.
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Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?
Yes, it does
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What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
More elaboration on the arguments would be necessary. All the points that are stated within the structure all not dealt with deeply enough, and only touch on the thesis briefly.
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Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I agreed with the thesis.
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When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I still agree with the thesis.
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If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
Not applicable
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How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
More research can be done.
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Research
Is the author using research effectively?
She is doing so to some extent
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Is the research from appropriate sources?
No sources was stated.
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Are the sources obvious?
No, they are not.
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Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yep, they are
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Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
All the points were already supported.
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